Out of line

I went out with my friends to have fun but in the end I made another big mistake. It was satuday night and it was a good time to go out and head to bars to grab some drinks. I didn’t want to go along with them at first but then there was nothing for me to do if I stayed home and so I went along with them.

I’m not much of a drinker and I hate getting wasted so I tried to stop drinking when I felt that I was about to reach my limit. Apparently we drank the whole night until morning came, the friends that I went out with were hard drinkers making them last hours of drinking without getting drunk.

Doing nothing and just laughing along with them made me feel bored, and so though I know that after a couple of shots I was going to get drunk I didn’t care. I lasted longer than I thought I could. Then when I got drunk my thoughts went drifting to my ex and our memories. I remember crying and calling his name out loud, I was missing him badly. When my friend asked me if we still communicate I told her we do but only as friends. They told me that it was doing me no good keeping in touch with him and that I should cut my communication with him until such time that I get better.

I was about to agree to this when something came up to my mind. Since I was going to delete him in my phonebook, my address book in my email and in my friends list in a networking site I decided that I should grab the chance to tell him how I feel for the last time. I know that there was a possibility that I was going to get hurt if he won’t reply or he if replies with something nasty.

I grabbed my phone and messaged him saying, “I love you, always has, always will and will do so no matter what.” It was still early when I messaged him that so I’m guessing that he’s still asleep then. Around dawn he replied to me asking me what did I just message him. I told him that I was not going to get back what I’ve said and that I meant it. This was hurting me but not much since I was expecting for it.

Then the unexpected came and crushed me to my core, shattered every piece of me, and destroyed my sanity. He told me that he knows what I’m feeling because it still shows in my profile in the networking site, I did that on purpose to be able to tell him what I was feeling without telling him directly since I know that he was checking on my profile every now and then. Yet aside from knowing how I feel he told me that he still loves me but then we can’t be together anymore and I know why, because he already has a new girl and he’s trying to be faithful to her, he’s trying not to hurt her. He said he was sorry. This made me gulped down the remaining drink that was right in front of me.

I drowned myself with alcohol as I was drowning with sorrow. I regretted what I did not for being hurt but for finding out that he still feels the same. I love him, I’m still madly in love with him and I found out the he still loves me but we can’t be together. Why does it have to be too late? Why do I always have to be too late?

This is not the first time that this happened to me, that I ended up finding out that the person that I love feels the same but we can’t be together because they’re already committed to someone else. I don’t want to be relationship breaker because I know how it hurts when the one you love is stolen from you.

I know I shouldn’t have said those words for they were out of line. But I didn’t expect such reply, a reply that was even more out of the line. I thought I was going to be fine and hurt because he didn’t care anymore but I found out otherwise. Now moving on is even harder for me. The sorrow that I felt, the pain, bitterness, agony, aching is twice as it should be. I don’t know how to pick myself up again.

Random Act

It’s another saturday I know my friends would be asking me out to drink again and I’m not in perfect shape for that this time. So to avoid going along with them I hid at my favorite coffee shop and left only when they closed at 12 midnight. When I arrived at dorm I was glad to find out that they already left or so I thought. I then found one of my friends who doesn’t go out and hang-out with her for sometime. When we got back they were already there, the one’s whom I was hiding from. Apparently they were only hiding from someone who they didn’t want to be with.

It was late and my friend already went ahead and slept leaving me to those who had plans on drinking that night. I tried to give myself reasons not to go out with them but since I can’t make a decent blog I decided to go along with them.

Everything went well we drank until the morning. There was some teasing which I did find fascinating because I didn’t like the guy they were pairing me with. And to my luck they didn’t bother because a guy came for my friend and all the attention turned to him. He was nice a bit older than us but cool. My friend liked him a lot and we saw that because of the sudden change of her actions when he arrived.

She wasn’t much of a drinker but to impress him which I doubt did, she drank more than she should. The sun was up and we decided to go home and continue drinking outside our dormitory. I stopped drinking hours before we left so I was sober. Our friend went home with the guy because he brought home the car afraid that he might have an accident if he went home driving while he’s wasted. Since our friend went along her best friend got worried about what might happen.

When they got back things god cleared up and they were fine or at least were. Apparently we found out that my friend got rejected and because of this she flirted and teased my other guy friend. He was stopping himself from doing things that he would regret and I saw the need to be of help because I was older and we were good friends. All the time that she was clinging on to him we were talking.

Then it came to the point that she was kissing his face but not his lips. Now that wasn’t funny anymore. Things got heated up and when he was about to give up he talked about the lips. Then she dared him to kiss me.

Perhaps due to his anger or irritability he kissed me. This took me aback but I didn’t nudge or rebuffed, I just let him be and this made her ran out of the room. I laughed really hard after that not because I had fun kissing him though he was a good kisser but because of her reaction.

But she was drunk and a drunk girl was hard to convince what she has seen. After a moment of hesitation she went back to mess with him again. Flirting harder this time around. I was laughing as I was watching her, she was being ridiculous and her acts were making her look like a desperate little girl wanting attention and love. He then kept on telling her to stop and not to do things that she would regret and not to challenge someone when the consequences she can’t handle.

Because of this she asked us to kiss once again longer this time, in exchange to that she would stop. We both laughed at this for we both know that she wouldn’t stand watching us. We gave her what she wanted and kissed for a couple of minutes, she didn’t move and was silent for awhile after that. This made her stop though, but I guess she liked what she has seen for she begged for more. But that is just too much, luckily her best friend came to our rescue and convinced her to head back to our dorm to get some rest. After a couple of arguments she did.

That was some random act that I haven’t done ever since, and I was shocked at myself for doing so. I never thought I could be able to do so without any feelings involved. I had dares like such before but I repudiated those and they were not as audacious as that one. Though there was no malice I had fun with that and with myself.

I was happy that I was able to prove that I was getting better. For though I missed my ex after that I didn’t feel terrible like I used to when I was kissing the guys that I was going out with after we split up. At least slowly I’m getting more open to possibilities of new love or at least I’m opening myself to others now. My friend though felt guilty for that he felt like he was taking advantage of me, but I said it was ok for it helped me. It made me realize that it was only who was locking myself up in my sorrow room, and that if I go out and give others a chance to make me happy or if I go out and try to make myself happy I would be. It’s all in my hands.

Practice makes perfect

All my life I have heard this phrase “practice makes perfect” but I never thought that it would also be applicable for love and for character. Yet for the past few days I have learned that it is. I was never that much patient with others, honestly, I’m hot tempered. But as I found myself in a fight with some of my dorm mates I found myself capable of being patient. I guess the practice that I had with my clients back when I was still working for a calling center paid off. Which is why even though they were back biting me and were making up stories against me I remained calm and stayed silent. All I have ever done was to tell them that I was not stooping down to their level.

My friends were the ones who were getting angry at them for me but I told them not to bother for then it would mean like we were throwing off our crowns to fight with slaves. I told them to look at the situation that way. Let those of their kind fight with each other and as we are not of their kind let us stay on our thrones. Yes I was undermining them but then they were acting like uneducated girls. After ac couple of months of not talking to them one day they came up to me and asked for forgiveness.

I play fair and can hold my own in against my peers in my chosen arena. Which is why I know what to do even if others play dirty, I let them be and let them fall into their own tricks. I only have one trick and that is to make them believe that they have tricked me. Let them do their dirty laundry under my nose that’s what I do. Though this requires much patience it has been worth all along for every time I do this I always end up winning the fight. Well I always do my best to win a fight but I do it clean. Which is why in everything that I’m put into I know not deceit for that’s what’s going to make me lose.

I develop confidence, refine my intentions, and make progress by being prepared to put my desires, beliefs, ideas, or skills to the test or put my “money where my mouth is.” Yes this is hard to have the discipline to do such is difficult but I’ve practiced doing so. I’ve trained myself, over and over I stopped myself from doing things that I would regret even if I was hurting this was no reason for me to be impulsive. Yes I’m logical and it has not yet failed me except in love.

I am empowered by healthy competition and I transform through preparedness. There is nothing that I fail in whenever I play fair. And even though I am at odds I prepare myself for the odds. This makes me a winner in every challenge that I encounter.

I practiced being patient, hardworking, understanding, and fair. Every day I make sure that I was ready for whatever the outcome of my decisions would be. I walk out geared up for any battle that might come my way. And I move along with others confident that I was going to achieve my goal for then I know how to reach it. I was not a quitter and this was my advantage, every time I fail I take it as another trial, practice and on my next try I do better.

Same goes for love we might have failed relationships but then take is a practice, there was a lesson for you to learn before you are granted the freedom to be with the one installed for you. Same goes for life, character, personality, we could have made an impression that we have carried on for years but we could change this impression and we could change this character. All we have to do is practice that character or that attitude that we should have until it becomes natural to us, a part of us.

Tears in my eyes

Here I go again, on my bed crying I can’t stop my tears from falling and when I think if of him the pain in my heart just worsens. Everyday I feel like dying yet I’m still breathing. I want to be numb I don’t want to feel anything. His memories haunt me giving me nightmares. Then when I wake up reality slaps me, this is no nightmare everything is true.

I feel like my heart is stabbed over and over again, like there’s a big lump inside and sometimes like it’s not there at all. Sometimes I feel that’s there no air for me to breathe, and that my lungs won’t take no air. My body shivers with the cold and pain it feels inside. Every part of me is hurting. My soul is wondering else where.

Until when would this go on? I tried, God knows I tried to get over him, He knows I tried to move on. But I failed everything I did only gave me more pain. How should I go on? What should I do now?

I think about everything that I have ahead of me but I they’re all a blur without him. I want to stop living I want my life no more if I’ll be living without him longer. I can’t believe that it’s over, I can’t believe that he’s gone, for a part of me keeps on saying that he still loves me and he’ll be back. Oh! False hope another foolishness of mine.

Not until he comes back or my life is ended would these tears stop from falling. They would keep on running down my cheeks until one of these two would happen. I can’t stop, I have tried to dry them but it was no success. I know these eyes would keep on shedding tears until its heart is healed.

Second life

I was ill and broken hearted then, that was how I was when he came in my life. I was about to give up, I was tired of all the treatments and with the throbbing pain in my heart all I wanted was to die. I lost all my hope, I know I’ll never get better. I was wasting my life away I was a helpless case. My drugs we’re already rejected by my body and my heart wanted to stop beating. I only had a few months left, with all the complications it was difficult to give me a cure. But I didn’t care about that then all I wanted was to able to rest in peace.

I went home to our town to put myself in grave danger again. I went out every night, drank dozens of bottles of liquor, stayed awake all nights, and takes only an hour or two rest. I was in a way committing suicide. That was how helpless I was until he came.

One of ex was my friend and she brought him along one night. We became friends and exchanged numbers, after that night we we’re on the phone everyday. I told him about how I was feeling, and a bit of my sickness but not everything, I kept it silent from everyone. Up to this day no one knows about it except for my family. When I went back to the city for my therapy I thought our communication would be cut but then I was wrong he kept calling and texting me.

When I went home again for a break he asked me out. We then hang-out almost everyday after that, we had common friends. Then when I was about to leave for good he told me that he loved me, this surprised me but then I accepted his love. After we started dating that was when I realized that I have changed. I was not yearning to die that much anymore, in fact I was not asking for my death.

He was like my sun in my dark world. He motivated me to continue my therapy. He was so sure that I’d be healed. I was so happy with him. That I didn’t notice my treatments we’re getting less needed. He got me cured, that I only need now to maintain a couple of drugs and my therapy is only once in 6 months, though there is still a chance for it to recur.

Yet now he’s out of my life and now I’m feeling the pain in my heart again. Now that this is what happened I’m wishing that he didn’t come after all. For my body maybe okay but then my heart is not. If only I knew then that this was going to happen then I shouldn’t have fought I should have given up just like how I planned. I know I should be thankful but what was the use of this second life if I couldn’t spend it with the person that I love the most, with the person who’s the reason why I wanted to live?

It’s hard hanging on for then I have no choice but to be strong. Sometimes I’m wishing time would turn back and when it would I would avoid meeting him. Now I’m trying to live against my will. I put up a mask and show everyone I’m okay. Whenever that happens to me again I won’t let my heart rule. I’ve been hurt again that’s enough.

Always been your girl

I was browsing over the songs of the artists that I like I came across one of Heather Headley’s songs that I was able to relate on. Once again I found myself a song that was telling a story about me. The title of the song is Always been your girl. As I listened to it over and over I was struck with the emotion that it showed.

The girl in the song was already hurt and was cheated on by the she loved, yet still she prefers to stay by his side. The guy was already letting her go because of his new girl. Yet this did not bother her. She insisted that she’s the right one for him and that the new girl is just a passing face because that’s what her heart tells her so. She believes that she’s the one who owns his heart and that what the boy has with his new girl is nothing but lust. She was a martyr to love him still in spite of everything that he’s done to her and the pain he has put on her.

By the way her lyrics are written I could tell that she knows a lot about the girl and that the girl has a lower status than her. The girl was nothing compared to her. She was more of a good catch than the new girl. But even if this was the case he was saying goodbye in-exchange of the new girl.

At some point I was in the shoes of that girl in the song who was pushing for her love. If you read my other blogs entitled Confessions of a Broken Heart and Is there really nothing to be jealous about her, there you would see my desperation to hold on to the person I love.

I felt that pain too. He left me for a girl who was not among us. It hurts and yet still I love him. And I still believe that it’s me who’s the right one for him. It’s me that he needs and that for now he just wants to have fun and I’m letting him have that. Foolish for me to think this way I know. But I feel it deep down inside my heart telling me that he loves me still and that he will come back to me because it is I whom he also loves. It’s just that he’s still young, we’re still young so I should let him explore on his own for now.

It’s been quite sometime now and I know that he’s regretting what he’s done for every once in a while he checks up on me. He tells me his troubles, he tells me everything. Though sometimes I wish that I don’t get to hear them because they’re breaking my heart, for he’s telling me stuff that I don’t want to know. But he doesn’t know this and I just let him be. I know someday there will be us again, which is why for now I’m trying to be strong to make it to that day.

Always been your girl lyrics

Don’t lie to me
Even if it’s gonna make me cry
Say what you mean
Even if it hurts me deep inside
We’ve been good friends for years
And I hold that dear
But you cannot end this night
Without giving me a chance to tell ya
How I feel inside

So you’re seeing her
What’s this the, third or second date?
Is it serious?
If it is your making a big mistake
Can you be truthful when
Your alone with her and look into her eyes
If you tell me that you don’t think of me it would come as a suprise

[Chorus]
Can you tell me that I’m not her
Say I’m not the one who completes your world
Who should share your name
Who should wear your ring
When I’ve always been your girl
Can you tell me I’m not the one
To be the mother of your unborn son
May not have the tie but there’s no denyin that you feel the same
Cause I’ve always been your girl

Oh Listen to me
And don’t you dare say it’s too late
Now honestly
You know she’s only a passing face
I am your meant to be
Your eternity
Shouldn’t settle for anything less
She may have your body But I own your heart
To ignore this you’ll regret

[Chorus]

Girl, Girl, Your girl!

I am your meant to be
Your eternity
Shouldn’t settle for anything less
She may have your body But I own your heart
To ignore it you’ll regret

[Chorus 2x]

Tshirt comparison

As I was having my coffee in one of my favorite coffee shops near our dormitory I kept hearing a song that caught my attention not because I hear it over and over again but because of the lyrics of the song. I got so intrigued with the song that I googled it’s lyrics. The title of the song is Tshirt by Shontelle, the lyrics of the song would be in another post.

As I was reading the lyrics I was able to say that the song was about me. Just like her I wear my ex’s tshirt whenever I miss him, whenever I’m down, and I can’t let him go. For sometime I’ve isolated myself to avoid pretending that I was fine. Yet it’s been too long and I have to move on.

My friends thinks that I’ve healed over the months that I was alone, what they don’t know is that I’m still in love with him. I put on a mask in front of them and put on my nicest clothes. Whenever I go out I carry the longing in me to see him and be with him, but they don’t know this. I dress up whenever I miss him badly to make me feel at ease at the thought that others will have their eyes on me, hoping that, that would make me feel better and that it would consume me and divert my thoughts.

I’m trying to be strong because I have to, even though I’m hurting. I’m trying to live my life because that’s what’s right even though I really want to die. I found solace in my room doing nothing but read books, browse over our pictures over and over, listen to our songs, write letters that I don’t send, stare at my phone for I know it’s no use calling him and wear the clothes that he left. I know it’s wrong so even if it’s against my will I get out of my room every once in a while to do my daily routine, to do my work.

But going out to have fun, to drink and meet you persons I’m not sure if I’m up for that. I’m not ready for that and I don’t want that yet. I know that if I join my friends I would only be reminded of our memories when we were still going out, and I’m not sure how would I feel then.

I’m still in pain, and still confused about what I should do with my life now that I don’t have him. I’m still in love with him and I’m still missing him that I’m holding on to every little thing that I can hold on to get to him. I don’t know if I could ever let him go.

As the song was played again and again I can’t help but wish that he think about me and that he’d come across this song, for then he’d know how I feel right now.

The song is very nice for it’s simplicity, yet it was able to show the depths of the emotion.

T-shirt lyrics by: Shontelle

ohh, let me tell you no.
oh baby.
trying to decide, trying to decide if i, really wanna go out tonight.
i never use to go out without you, i’m not sure i remember how to.
i’m gonna be late gonna be late but, all my girls gonna have to wait cause, i don’t know if i like my outfit.
i tried everything in my closet.

nothing feels right when im not with you, sick of this dress and these Jimmy Choos.
taking them off cause i feel a fool, trying to dress up when im missing you.
ima step out of this lengerie, curl up in a ball with something Hanes.
in that i lay, with nothing but your t-shirt on.
oh, with nothing but your t-shirt on.

hey, gotta be strong gotta be strong but i’m, really hurting now that you’re gone.
i thought maybe i’d do some shopping, but i didn’t get past the door and, now i dont know now i dont know if i’m, ever really gonna let you go and i, couldnt even leave my appartment.
im stripped down torn up about it.

nothing feels right when im not with you, sick of thisdress and these jimmy choos.
taking them off cause i feel a fool, trying to dress up when im missing you.
ima step out of this lengerie, curl up in a ball with something hanes.
in that i lay, with nothing but your t-shirt on.
(i’m all by myself with)with nothing but your t-shirt on
ohhh, with nothing but your t-shirt on
(cause i miss you, cause i miss you) with nothing but your t-shirt on.
(cause i miss you baby)

trying to decide, trying to decide if i, really wanna go out tonight.
i couldn’t even leave my appartment, i’m stripped down torn up about it.

nothing feels right when im not with you, sick of this dress and these jimmy choos.
taking them off cause i feel a fool, trying to dress up when im missing you.
ima step out of this lengerie, curl up in a ball with something hanes.
in that i lay.
hey hey, nothing feels right when im not with you.
sick of this dress and these jimmy choos.
taking them off cause i feel a fool, trying to dress up when im mising you.
ima step out of this lengerie, curl up in a ball with something hanes.
in that i lay, with nothing but your t-shirt on.
in nothing but your t-shirt on(2x)

Twilight reflection

After a couple of months of battling with my heart I finally have my answer. Just when I was in pain because of my relationship with the boy that I love the most, the Twilight Saga became popular. I got so enticed with it and until this very moment I’m still awed by the love that it has shown me. And then it hit me, when I was thinking about all the love stories that I’ve read and the problems that have occurred to the lovers, a part of my story is the same as theirs.

As I realized this I placed myself in Bella’s shoes, I have my Jacob and Edward too. My problem is which of the two guys that I’m in love with was Jacob and Edward? If I could only tell then things would easier. Just like Bella I was hurt was helped by a friend but the things is my story is a bit more complicated than Bella’s.

You see years ago I fell in love with my best friend Jake and we had a relationship. When we broke up I met a guy, Zach who helped me and removed the pain. Back then when this was still the case I was able to say that I was more in love with my Jake. He was my Edward and the Zach was my Jacob. But then that was before Zach and I boyfriend broke up. As Zach and I broke up Jake was the one who comforted me. He helped me through my depression.

Now I don’t have them both. Yet now both of them are trying to get back to my life.

At some point of my life they both became my drug. Zach is my morphine and Jake is my dopamine. And at some point of my life I became dependent to them. I can’t have them both I know that, but then it’s hard to let them go.

I asked myself this question a couple of times, which is which? Thankfully now I have the answer. I can’t live without them. I love them both, but I love one of them more than the other.

Jake is my Jacob and Zach is my Edward.

Jake is a part of me that I can’t let go, that I can’t do without. He is like my sun, he’s my anti-depressant, even before I met Zach he has been the only person capable of taking away that sadness or worry in me. He was that one person who no matter what he says to me makes me smile. The only time that he made me sad was when he said goodbye because they had to leave. I’m comfortable whenever I’m with him, I feel like there’s nothing to worry about whenever I’m with him. He knows how to ease my burden, and whenever I’m in tears he knows how to make them dry.

Zach is the one who completes me, he is my life. When I lost him I wanted to die then. I became numb, I was like a living dead then. I felt like there was a big hole in me. I tried to fill it in with other guys and other things but I failed. Not having him, my life was pointless. I saw no future ahead of me nor did I wish to see one. He was understanding and patient with me. Just like Edward’s patience with Bella’s love for Jacob, so was Zach with my love for Jake. He kept silent about the pain he felt for that. He’s my pain reliever and when he left all the pain flushed in. He was that person that I want to see when I wake up in the morning for he’s the first person that I’d look for. He’s the one person that I can’t live a day without, I can’t last a second without.

Now that I know their places, breaking this to them is my problem. And the changes I’m not sure if I’m ready for it. I just got healed, perhaps I’ll be taking things slower this time. One baby step at a time won’t hurt, I guess.